Avast There!

Our mornings begin at 6:32 when our oldest wakes us up. Why 6:32? Because we told him he’s not allowed to get up until 6:30, and he waits those 2 minutes just to be sure he’s not going to get in trouble.

This morning, we were all tired. He burst through the door in his typical dramatic entrance, climbed into our bed, and then stretched out between us and fell asleep. My wife and I woke up again at 6:50, with the simultaneous realization that we were now late. She rolled out of bed and headed to the bathroom, shouting over her shoulder for me to start getting the kids dressed.

I got up, but the big guy didn’t want to move. He groaned and grumbled and whined, so I left him there. “We don’t have time to argue, so pull it together,” I said. “I need you out of there soon.”

I found his little brother was wide awake and playing in the den. “Good morning! Time to get dressed. Hurry. We’re late!”

While the little guy scurried to the bathroom and to get into his clothes, I pondered the problem of the lazy big brother.  Finally, inspiration struck. This is, after all, Talk Like a Pirate Day.

We have a baby monitor in the kids’ room, so we can hear them from our bedroom. I tiptoed into their room, stepped close to the monitor, and started a conversation with myself, using my most ragged pirate voice.

“Avast there, me hearties! What’s this house I see before me eyes?”

“Aye captain,” I answered in my lowest register. “’tis a fine place to be pickin up some sleeping children, says I.”

I gave a deep throated evil chuckle and answered myself. “’tis true, but we’ll have to be careful. We can only snatch the ones as is by themselves, we can.”

I answered myself with another evil laugh. I drew this one out, and as I laughed, I moved my mouth closer to the microphone.

A scream burst out of my bedroom, followed by the slapping sound of my oldest’s feet running at full speed. I walked into the kitchen to meet him. He stopped when he saw me, and a smile spread across his face. “Daddy!”

“Avast there, ya scurvy dog. ’tis time to be gettin’ dressed it is. And next time, I’m thinkin you’ll be listenin’ to me the first time I says it.”

“Arrrr,” He answered.

Smart boy.

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